interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Breaking news:
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!