Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.