baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
You Might Also Like
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Best seat on the street 😍
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming