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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.