Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok