bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ok like just. call me at this point
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
saving face 👀
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
#have a #great #PancakeDay