This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.