I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.