A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
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Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you