Shoo shoo! 😂
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Finally, an explanation.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Breaking news:
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old