Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.