First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Facebook memories be like
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.