I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
You Might Also Like
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I support this random dude and all his protests
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
not seeing the problem
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?