Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Overindulged this afternoon.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I have obtained a hat
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis