A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.