“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes