[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian