If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
handsome & gretel
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Best mom ever 😂
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.