Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.