My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The future is now.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Only short people can save us
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?