the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My dad is at it again
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.