there’s probably a fee though
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.