TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.