Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit