When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Bed should get ready for ME
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
So sick of all these stupid rules