Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me if I was a dog
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I will never stop laughing at this
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…