wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat