Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
That’s amazing.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes