twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.