Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
You Might Also Like
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Oh no
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
that de-escalated quickly
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands