Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
i think both sides are to blame here
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
⛄️
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”