i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?