Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You Might Also Like
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
i now pronounce you bounced.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Go girl power!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had