COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what