Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My typo game is string.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*skinny dips into black hole
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.