Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.