Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.