The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
😂💯
…żyje?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it