Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST