[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Traveler’s camo
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep