I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.