WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.