*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Important
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.