Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.