Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
You Might Also Like
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*