HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*