Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.