If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂