I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
You Might Also Like
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
This was my dad’s browser history.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?