Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
In banana years, I am bread.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!